I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
