Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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