why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
