the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
