you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
