IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
