I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
