upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
