Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
