My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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