I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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