How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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