Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
