I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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