Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
