I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
