The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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