Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
