Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The best revenge is premature balding
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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