Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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