How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
