How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
