I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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