I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
