dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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