I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
