Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
