she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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