I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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