i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Success! We fucked roommates!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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