Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
