i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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