I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
