Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
