Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
