just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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