I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
