The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
