I think I won the penis lottery.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
