god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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