Old men and throwing up are my life now.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
