and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
