omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
