God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
