There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
