But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
