I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
As shirtless as possible
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
