sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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