I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
