I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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