I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You smell like a Billy Joel song
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
