you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
